Some Of My Favourite Comments and Quips Re News Stories From The Morning News Wrap.


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I write a Daily Morning News Wrap….its the news with the occasional comment, sarcastic remark or attitude….thought I would blog a few of my favourites over the last 18 months or so.

There is a man on the run in Melbourne on the Police Wanted List called William Wallace. The internet has gone wild about that with many memes being posted like….The Vic Police will never take his freedom.

Zebra viciously attacked a zoo keeper in China. I guess the Zebra was cross. So I guess you could say the zoo keeper got hurt at a Zebra Crossing.

An Aussie in Africa is being mobbed daily because they think he is Jesus. I am not sure who this guy is but I would suggest he should not visit Rome, avoid anything that looks like a T and if any guy tries to give him a kiss…..flee away.

Man bitten by a shark off the Victorian Coast. He had caught the shark, reeled it in and then it bit him. I am no fisherman but I think he is doing it wrong.

Steven Segal becomes a Russian and Putin personally signs off on his passport. Let’s see what we can do with Segal’s movie titles here. Apparently Segal felt Under Siege and On Deadly Ground as an American because he thought Trump was Above The Law and so made an Executive Decision to go all Out For Justice and become a Russian. What he doesn’t realize he may have now been Marked For Death having gone in to The Belly of the Beast. He will be hardly remembered as A Patriot. That will do because just like Segal’s acting this paragraph is at best B grade but probably lower.

UK Police slammed for describing a woman as ‘chubby’. If this was in Australia, then the police would have been slammed for describing this person as a ‘woman’.

Anthony Mundane (Yep that was deliberate) to appeal the result of the Green bout. Maybe they should just sought it out the good old fashion way with a fist fight…..oh wait…they did.

A Sydney man walking his Pug dog has been mugged. They stole the Pug. So some guys did a mug to get a Pug by giving the owners leash a tug and now they are feeling like a snug smug bug on a rug with their new Pug giving it a hug. The Pug is a slug.

The complaints against the recent Lamb ad have been rejected….apparently they have had the wool pulled over their eyes….Anyway the Ad Agency are now considered the black sheep of the family….oh wait….can’t say black.

Apple is investigating video of melting iPhone 7. You young kids with your new fang dangled gadgets. When I was growing up we had one phone per family. And that’s if we were lucky. It hung on the wall and it had a cord so you couldn’t walk more than 3 feet away from the phone. None of those melted. Just saying. And it kept families together.

In the UK, a baby was taken off its parents by child services….the horrendous crime that was committed to the poor poor infant……her father gave her baby formula and raved about it on Social Media. This story would not be out of place in the Orwellian Book 1984.

64 year old woman gives birth to twins in Spain…..At their 21st she will be 85…. I guess instead of the Key to the front door, she will give them to four digit access code to the Retirement Village café.

Speaking of Obama. The US Military dropped 26,171 bombs in 2016: that’s about 72 a day or 3 an hour. 12,095 of these were in Iraq…..remember that’s the war that Obama waxed eloquent that he would end blah blah blah 8 years ago.

Lara Worthington struggles to free pram from snow….cue outrage and viral haters saying she is a bad mother….trolls are so predictable.

Ha ha. The very next story on the news site I am was reading was ‘women are divided over this unsafe breastfeeding mum’. Dear Divided women…It’s none of your stinking business. Let the mother breastfeed her kid whilst going down a slippery slide for all I care. Social Media gives people the illusion that the world should hear their opinion….And yes I get the irony that I am giving you my opinion on opinion. Anyway just my opinion.

A kite surfer off a Sydney Beach has filmed a close encounter with a shark…..and last week it was announced that the 5th Film in the Sharknado series is being made…..was this really a close encounter or brilliant marketing….I think the latter. Well done Hollywood.

Rhonda Rousey’s big touted comeback was all over in 48 seconds. Apparently she was heard to say to her coach at the start of the fight….I’ll be back in a minute. (Just kidding).

Kim Jong-un has executed 340 people since coming to power. Thankfully the UN and Amnesty International are all over this….right?……aren’t they…..hello……anyone….

From the 1st January electricity prices are set to increase significantly due to the Hazelwood Coal fired power plant closing in Victoria. Passports are also increasing in prices, dole bludgers are being clamped down on including the introduction of an international travel ban for welfare recipients who owe the Govt money. Petrol in Queensland will increase as the ethanol mandate comes into force. The backpacker taxes starts and 338,000 people will lose access to public dental health. Linkedin will start adding 10% GST for their professional services and people on 457 Visas will have to start paying for their kids’ education. So here is the Summary. If you are employed, have good teeth, are an Australia citizen who owes nothing to the Govt, who rides their pushbike everywhere and uses Solar power and only Facebook for Social media: then Happy New Year to you….the rest of us are screwed.

Headline reads What we cared about in 2016: I didn’t read it cause I already know….We cared about a Roo that got punched, we cared a lot about something that Mitchell Pierce did, we cared about Trump and we cared about Kim Kardashian getting robbed….oh and we really cared about who won the block, the voice, the survivor, the election, and I’m a celebrity get me out of here – which ironically is what Clive Palmer did at the election. I opened the article no mention of Aleppo, well you know where this is going….

According to news sources there is such as thing as Gustnado. No it is not a Malcolm Turnbull press conference, a Kanye Concert Rant, a Hilary Clinton defeat speech or a Paul Keating Christmas letter. It’s a weather pattern and it happened. But I watched Mad Maxine last night and there is a Gustnado in that movie that makes the big bang look like a smoke signal from a congregation of cardinals searching for a Pope. Under the Category: Climate Change (on the news.com.au website)…. Severe Thunderstorm warning issued…..Ok let’s ask the question……based on what is this thunderstorm impacted by apparent Climate Change? Are we being manipulated by weather alarmism? Think Gustnado!!!! In the old days this was called a dust storm, they happened, we survived and we worried about other things.

Mum discovers 8 year old son’s spotify playlist and she is not amused…..THIS IS NOT NEWS PEOPLE. Is there nothing families do in private anymore? Do we do Press Releases on everything including the bowel movements of our kids….Little Johnny did a poo this morning. It had excellent consistency and color and was the appropriate size for his age. You can follow Johnny’s poo on his Insta Account @pooview #brownanddown #stoolrescue #homeANDaway #PandC #toilethumor

Protestors in Parliament House Canberra glued their hands to hand rails in the public gallery…how often do you think security guards think….ah leave them there….I wonder how much it costs to secure them, call ambulances and repair the damage to the hand rails…..and what were they protesting about….couldn’t be bothered finding out I was too busy smiling at the thought of the police storming the Public Gallery saying hands up. Anyway forget that…its just a sticky mess. Personally I would have said – hands up if you don’t want to be tasered.

Anyway…hope you enjoyed.

Peter



Categories: Australian, Morning News Wrap.

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