Week In Review News Wrap. From Around the Globe to Your Frontal Lobe. 4th February 2019

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The Morning News Wrap has morphed into a weekly Week in Review News Wrap.

Same style, Same amount of attitude and sarcasm.  Maybe slightly more stories. (Won’t post this intro next week….I am just introducing the newbies to the Wrap)

Hey I do need to talk about something in the future first up….This Thursday is Valentines Day….consider yourself warned guys….and when a woman says she doesn’t celebrate Valentines Day and not to worry about it…this is akin to a farmer putting cheese into a mouse trap to see what he can kill. Ignore this message to your own peril. For the record, I am surprising my wife with a Business Class ticket for her and her bestie to Paris for three days of shopping and theatre. Ha ha…just kidding. She doesn’t read this anyway so I am safe. But I have warned you. And anyone who tells wifey about her apparent present is banned off the island.

Townsville is struggling to cope with the amount of rain the area has had over the last few days.

The Banking Royal Commission findings have been handed down…..didn’t read the news report but today I applied for a $20,000 car loan and was laughed out of the bank and seeing financial management is my strength….to be laughed out of the bank makes me totally understand why the Sydney Housing Market is falling because people can’t get money. For the record…..today (Monday) all the bank stocks are up on the ASX which means the report screws you and I and the bank profits are ok. Which means I am conflicted. So I can’t buy a car now but in my retirement I possible can.

Hey the people in the falling down Opal Tower are screwed more than a CBA customer.

It’s raining on the Gold Coast…why is this news….cause its very unusual these days….the lawns of the offices of the WNW HQ are dying….the lawns are browner than a Picnic Bar floating in a Dubbo Pool. I would have made a comment that included a Gold Coast pool but these days they are being used to house Skateboarding InterState Competitions. Unfortunately these pools are also being used to collate the News Poll figures for the Coalition as ground level wasn’t cutting it anymore. Surprisingly several pools have had to be dug out and made deeper to hold the opinion polls for Clive Palmer and his latest TV AD Campaign. Ironically Peter Pilt thinks one way to make Australia great again would be to stop the ads.

Well that got Peter Pilt thinking. What else would he do to make Australia great again? Get rid of the Chinese buying baby formula? Wow that sounded racist but its not. What else….Stop the Spice Girls reunion from touring this island. Did I mention Clive Palmer? Here are a few other ideas, Bring Back the Biff, Outlaw all hatred of Gingers with the punishment being permanent hair colour change to Ranga, Put Cubes of Diet Coke on the PBS….which would make all cubes $3.67, Ok let’s get serious….make Hospital and Airport Parking free, recognise Indigenous Aussies in the Constitution and ….you suggest something?

A toddler has been found dead in a car on a Queensland property. He was just hanging around the house and property and climbed into a car and unfortunately couldn’t get out. Increasing the sadness are the hateful troll comments that people are posting on the mother’s FB page. If this was me…..desperately sad as it is…..I would immediately close down all my online accounts. People can be so cruel.

AFL Star Jack Watts says that the white powder he was filmed snorting off the breasts of a random woman in Germany last October was not Cocaine…So this somehow makes it ok. And let’s talk about the woman for a moment. Why let men snort anything off your breasts? Surely you are better than that?

A probationary constable has lost his life when he was involved in a head on car crash on the Heathcoate Road. A car crossed onto the wrong side of the road and hit the constable’s car head on.

A woman has died on a Sydney Party boat. When are we going to learn to stop taking random drugs at parties?

Bomb threat made at Brisbane Airport linked to bomb threat on the Gold Coast. All threats have passed now.

Sport was played alot but seeing this is a news wrap….nothing to see here re sport.

The Patriots won the Superbowl. Sorry I mentioned sport.

Russia is thinking of pulling the plug on the nuclear arms pact. Sounds painful.

The Queen apparently has attended church without Prince Philip. There is no truth to the rumour that she went to church to pray for her spouse’ driving. There is also no truth to the rumour that men around the world have also attended church to pray for the driving of their spouse. And I also am praying that my spouse doesn’t read the new Week in Review…..Hey let’s do a test….Melanie if you acknowledge you have read this report…then you will get a new puppy on Valentines Day……Just kidding….she doesn’t read it. And that’s two dares in the same wrap….I am in serious trouble if she reads it….Ha Ha…she doesn’t….Hey baby want 2 dozen read roses on Valentines Day?

Headline reads ‘Russia’s new super weapon’. Didn’t read the story….So I assume the new weapon is to inflict reality TV on the West (its working as we are all dumber), The new weapon is Bill Shorten and he will destroy the west…..possibly over reaching on the influence of Bill, who apparently is struggling to change the batteries in his Fetch TV remote…..but hey let’s elect him to lead our nation as that’s what Russia wants. The new weapon is The Project who are tasked with inflicting on the masses a level of thought that equates to a chief mouse trying to lead a mouse plague in Dubbo. The new weapon is releasing Donald Trump’s personal email address which is youarefired@POTUS.USA.PRAYFORAMERICA . Hey where is Sam Seabourn when you need him. See pic.

For the record I have protected you from stories about Meghan Markle, MAFS (and if you don’t know what that means then thank Jesus), all the cricket stories, most of the Superbowl stories including ‘the most talked about half time shows of all time.

Also I mentioned Dubbo twice in this wrap….Anyone from Dubbo got a comment?

That will do for this week.


Categories: Morning News Wrap.

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1 reply

  1. Your wife’s ears are going to be burning…🤣

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