If The Christmas Story Happened Today: How Would It Appear in the Newspapers?


Trouble in the Middle East this morning where a tax census has caused a mass migration of people leading to shortages of accommodation across the region. The United Nation’s peak body for refugees (UNHCR), has told of the plight of one young couple forced to make a long arduous trip via donkey while the teenage girl was 9 months pregnant. This may have contributed to her going into labor and having to give an urgent birth in makeshift accommodation surrounded by animals and the baby having to sleep in a manger. UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon has condemned the regional leadership for creating the crisis and has committed significant resources to coming up with a solution to the issues. Many people around the world view this announcement with about as much credibility as the recent Paris Climate Change announcement: rhetoric but no substance.

Rumours circulated across Social Media that Mary who has become the UNHCR poster girl for the refugee crisis,  chose to give birth in a farm yard as part of the new wave of barnyard “back to nature” births where you give birth surrounded by animals. The Australian Nursing Mothers Association has condemned the practice of giving birth in a shed and has gone on record as saying some people are taking the concept of a natural birth too far.

Mary has also announced plans via her Twitter Account (@MarymotherofMessiah) to have the child circumcised according to an ancient Jewish tribal custom, upsetting child welfare advocates. Human Rights activities have picketed the barnyard chanting anti circumcision slogans. Child Services are also involved trying to foster the child out to ‘more responsible parents’. Right wing conservatives are also protesting saying that a child has the right to be raised by it’s biological parents…which has caused upset due to the suspicious circumstances involving the babies conception.

New father Joseph who initially denied fathering the child was seen buying disposable nappies at a 7/11 store, leading to a backlash on social media about his environmental credentials. #disposablenappydad #rewash #savetheplanet. However Indians across the globe are praising Joseph for his support of the 7/11 store brand and are promising him a ‘good deal for future purchases.’

Nomadic farmers claiming an X-Files type experience, saying Angels appeared to them telling them a baby was to be born, went and visited the baby, saying he was sent to save humanity. This has upset Donald Trump who also thinks he is also here to save humanity.

USA Today online, have a poll running on potential names: top five names in the poll are Sebastian, Kramer, Justin, Elliot and Mohammed. However, despite the poll and public opinion, apparently Mary has consulted with her ‘celestial advisor’ and is settling on Emmanuel or Jesus for short. Saint Jesus was not in her considerations she told a Sydney Morning Herald reporter.

The Israeli Health Minister has issued a statement congratulating the couple and expressing his relief that the new baby is being breast-fed – in line with the current societal pressure on new mothers to breast-feed. However several local cafes (Bethlehem Coffee Club and Gloria Jeanus) have issued statements saying that Breast-feeding is not allowed in their cafes leading to an outcry from the Jewish Mothers Association Groups.

Conspiracy theorists are claiming this baby will cause the end to the current occupation with Him setting up his own Kingdom, leading some to cynically/prophetically nic-name the baby Kanye West. (Who also thinks he is a god).

The National Museum of Washington has said that the Dead Sea Scrolls mentioned the birth of this baby and they claim He will be a Messiah taking away the sins of the world.

World Leaders, hearing of the couple’s plight, have sent congratulatory messages. A Facebook page has been set up where you can be friends of the baby or follow Jesus on Twitter @askJesusintoyourlife.

What do you make of this Baby?

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